Let me make it clear an account of an in depth buddy of mine called Angry Vagina. One sexually annoyed day, she decides to join a mobile dating app against her better wisdom. Dared to participate by a manhood Custodian friend of hers (technically not bangable considering «nobody’s fucking company») she is struggling to withstand the task and so starts herself generally and blissfully toward opportunities.

Therefore we start the story associated with the celebrated Angry V as she packages the software onto Rose-Goldie the iphone, inserting the woman 6 greatest photos including a superstar headlining image as showcased below.

Provided small space to articulate the woman success, she is after that obligated to condense her impressive biography into several boner-inducing outlines and completes the woman profile to perfection. And almost like miraculous, mushroom-head proprietors prepared for assessment immediately appear on her feed.

Per matchmaking app guidelines, Angry Vagina must swipe left if a specimen tends to make this lady dried out as some sandpaper or perhaps disgusts the girl. Instead she must swipe appropriate if she desires fool around with the latest shaft in question.

Below we have the privilege of observing her stream-of-consciousness as she sifts through influx of moping scarecrows along with her iphone.

Would we bang that man? No.

(Swipes remaining)


Would I bang that man? No.

(Swipes kept)


Would we bang that guy? No.

(Swipes kept)

Would I bang that man? Possibly. Umm.

Remembering the significant fairy tales of her youthfulness, Angry Vagina unexpectedly feels bad for being thus superficial and lends much more soul to her «swipage» as she goes on her find Prince Charming.

Behold! Me is completely new princess nameth «Might-As-Well-Be-Sleeping Beauty». We hath talked.

(Angry V hence reinvents the fairy-tale matchmaking story, but this time around in the design of

Rapunzel

. Armed with boner in place of sword, Prince slays poverty dragon to be able to get expensive new iphone 4. The guy now climbs enchanted line of cyber pubic locks, ascends dating-app tower. At orgasm of tower, furious V shoves him off dating-app-profile balcony in Disney singsong vocals . . .)

Quick guy near small puppy. Pretends are tall.

(Swipes remaining)

Bicycle man loves spandex. Golf balls not big enough. Please mount bike in place of woman.

(Swipes kept)

Wealth placed in profile. Congratulations! Get thyself rubberized snatch.

(Swipes remaining)

Too-young. Like teen. Premature spooge probably.

(Swipes kept.)

The reason why therefore bald always?

(Swipes kept)

«Entrepreneur». No unemployed men allowed.

(Swipes remaining)

Cat hater?!

(Swipes remaining, punches phone in face, inserts profile pic of one-true-love «Kitteh».)

(ongoing like hooked.)

Program professional acting becoming fascinating rockstar. ::Cackles::

(Swipes remaining)

Wonderful abs. Eliminate butterface during bang sesh? Meh.

(Swipes kept)

Continuously mustache. Face forest outcompete old growth woodland of resentful Vagina.

(Swipes left)

Gym selfies just? Exactly how ‘bout penis pushups.

(Swipes left)

Oooooh! Someone is actually hat fanatic. Need to be covering bald spot.

(Swipes left)

Your home is WHERE? Or perhaps is that the place you park your vehicle . . .

(Swipes left)



Wow you love recreations? Interesting. Certainly kind. Time for you erase matchmaking application and get married.

(Swipes left)



You love to SEXT? In which is actually middle finger emoji . . .

(Swipes left)

Demonstrates themselves in photograph close to hotter man. Dumbass.

(Swipes kept)

States be committed but is an individual instructor.

(Swipes remaining)

Kids? Woman boner deceased.

(Swipes left)

Detailed as «director» on profile. Of exactly what? Furious Vagina’s irritability?

(Swipes kept)

No profile details. Hail to just one picture of acne-prone epidermis. I would ike to go ahead and throw feet available for your family today.

(Swipes left)

Pleased vegan with photograph of live cucumber. Manhood probably shriveled and starving for protein. We’ll simply take Mr. Cucumber.

(Swipes left)

Whaaaat. Today they are providing myself ladies. Swiping kept too fast?

(Swipes left much more gradually)

(Angry Vagina takes break to make contact with best friend «Nongay partner» for sentimental terms via book.)

«Nongay partner, Im leading the chosen men and women (otherwise acknowledged Kitteh) through desert like Moses. Looking to find drinking water or manhood Custodian. I really do maybe not know if i shall endure. Kindly deliver help.»

(Waits for answer and continues pursuit.)

Oh no! Swiped correct by accident! Fuuuuuck! Undo? Undo? No? Prohibited? Fuuuuuck. Hate that unsightly guy thinks he is preferred. Fuuuuuck.

(brand new motivation.)

Left-swipage is gradually eliminating heart. Must use self-swipage for relieving . . .

(furious Vagina takes impromptu break. Was not willing to come back to penis wasteland anyhow.)

(Short while afterwards, straight back on telephone software like research pet.)

Trump promoter. Variety of sexy. Can’t. Let. Him. Reproduce!

(Swipes left)

Nipples pointier than mine.

(Swipes left)

CEO of anything? Just how many unemployed guys is there?

(Swipes kept)



Yes! Long-hair great. Lady-boner says hi.

(Swipes right)

Tresses too much time. Homeless man.

(Swipes remaining)



Student. Poverty lethal to ladyboner. . . must swipe before too late . . .

(Swipes left)

Appears 8 months pregnant with Budweiser.

(Swipes left)

Group chance with girls! Attempting to persuade myself they prefer you.

(Swipes kept)

Self-employed hot man. Won’t bang you in parents’ cellar.

(Swipes left)



A lot of sharp teeth. Might also have pointy penis. Like carrot with foreskin. Terrifying.

(Swipes remaining)

Pretty sure each pic on your profile is actually various man. Upset Vagina is actually puzzled.

(Swipes left)

Crazy smiley face. Appears as well happy. Probably serial killer.

(Swipes remaining)

Hot guy fantastic human anatomy. Mundane individuality and work. Swipe left, Angry V, swipe l . . .

(Swipes right)

Over 40 never ever married. Depressed selfish guy. 50-50 if great in sack. Meh.

(Swipes kept)

Thank you so much for sharing top. I’m sure every thing I need to understand. Bless you.

(Swipes left)

Oh no! Mobile passing away! Must swipe kept! Must. Reject. More. Mushroom-head-

And just like this, furious Vagina has to refer to it as quits throughout the day until a cell phone charger can be found. Just for today.

In theory, the forced downtime will allow brand new shaft leads the chance to swipe close to her profile now, suggesting their delusional hope of banging the girl. Many won’t ever make a difference. But once her very own opted for «right-swipes» get back the favor, otherwise known as the «mutual match», the story thickens.

Patience, Furious V, Persistence.



Is carried on . . .